My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
You Might Also Like
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Cinematography is my passion
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.