Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
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Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.