A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
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I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
remember
only for emergencies
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Good morning.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her: