The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
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Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
dutch so unserious
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean