I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
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Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.