It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
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After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
me hooking up with my ex
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵