WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
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Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull