surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
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My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Crying is a sign of leakness.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
That’s not how days work.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.