in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
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Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.