If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
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Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*