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Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win