The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
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[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
where the womens at?
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Death certificates are our last participation award.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Our lord and savoury.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home