[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
You Might Also Like
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet