Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
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*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
U talkin 2 me?
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog