WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
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Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Sheep
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Got him!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Pizza is an emotion right?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.