wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
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*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.