Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
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Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
sliding into dms like
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed