Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
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My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
grotesque if literal: baby food
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention