If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
You Might Also Like
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
My Guy
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.