My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
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I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?