It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
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Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Bro what is this
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.