People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
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*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school