Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
You Might Also Like
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Day 2 of my diet
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!