9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
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Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.