if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
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are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
mentally somewhere in italy
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?