When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
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Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.