My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
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HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Got him!
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I hope Alan is OK
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories