me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
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If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.