Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
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I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Breaking news:
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.