my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
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I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
very niche meme I made
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Dear Lord..
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.