All set.
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I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?