I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
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“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.