*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
You Might Also Like
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
This could be us but you eatin’
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.