Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
You Might Also Like
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?