#Thanos #MondayMood
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St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
This meal prepping shit easy
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.