I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
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*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”