So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
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I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
This is enough internet for the day.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.