I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
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Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Baking is just science you can eat.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.