inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
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If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I want this so bad
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.