Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
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Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.