MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
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The “baby” on the left….
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
How I’d get arrested…
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours