“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
You Might Also Like
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*