Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
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Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My love language is hissing.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.