Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
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How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
first you must answer his riddles
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.