Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
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“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.