Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
The French cow says MEUX…
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.