Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
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Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Seems legit
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I love it all
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.