Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
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Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Found my door mat
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.