“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
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You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
are there any atheist mantises?
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re