Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
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I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Spider-cat: No One Home
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
This line from Airplane.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.